Emotionally Immature Parents Series (Part 1): The Four Types

When you're a kid, you don't have the ability to fully grasp your family dynamics for what they are. You don't know what's healthy or unhealthy; you just see things as normal. After some time and reflection, you may have realized that some of the things your parents did were painful or even traumatic. Or maybe you already knew as a child that how your parents treated you was not okay.

Now, as an adult, maybe you've realized that when you're with your parent you always feel like you have to walk on eggshells. You might feel afraid to express your emotions around your family because you don’t know if someone’s going to get upset, yell at you, or shame you for your feelings. Maybe you've noticed that your parent puts their own feelings and needs before yours (their child). Maybe you feel like your parents don't even care about what you have going on, and they don't show much interest in your emotional world or life. You realized you don’t feel emotionally open or safe around your parent. If you relate to any of these feelings, you may have an emotionally immature parent(s).

What are "Emotionally Immature Parents?"

Emotionally immature parents can look like normal, healthy parents from the outside. As a child of an emotionally immature parent, it can feel confusing because maybe your parents made sure you had a roof over your head and food to eat, but it still felt like something was missing.

Emotionally immature parents fear real emotions and pull away from emotional closeness. They aren’t open to self-reflection, and they usually avoid accountability and don’t apologize for their behavior. Emotionally, they are inconsistent and unreliable. They are also quick to put their own needs/agenda before their child’s needs. 

Throughout life, there may have been a sense of loneliness or emptiness that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. That feeling of deep loneliness often comes from growing up with an emotionally immature parent.

The 4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Emotional Parents

Emotional parents are fueled by their feelings. They become easily upset or angry, and people often feel like they have to walk on eggshells around them. When they’re unhappy, they can be explosive, unpredictable, emotionally abusive, hateful, and scary. Their children (and partners) often live with a lot of fear and anxiety. If you have an “emotional parent,” you’ve probably learned to put other people’s feelings above your own, to ignore your needs, and that you’re not allowed to have boundaries.

Driven Parents

Driven parents are busy and goal-oriented. They’re constantly trying to perfect everything (including their children), and they’re more invested in their kids’ “success” than anything else. They can be very controlling, and they struggle to express empathy or offer unconditional support for their children’s unique interests or goals if those don’t align with their own ideals. Growing up with a driven parent can make it hard to show initiative, feel like you’re enough, have the courage to set goals, or be truly autonomous as an adult.

Passive Parents

Passive parents may seem more emotionally available, but they withdraw when things become too intense. They’re the parents who don’t set limits or give any real guidance to their children. They may be seen as the “fun parent,” making it harder to realize that they didn't give you the structure, protection, and guidance that every child needs from their parents. They may also use their children to meet their own emotional needs, which can feel like emotional incest. While they can be playful and fun, they aren’t truly there for their kids in the way they should be. (Passive parents may also pair up with more dominant partners and allow abuse or neglect to continue by ignoring or minimizing problems.)

Rejecting Parents

Rejecting parents don’t enjoy being around their kids and avoid any kind of emotional intimacy or connection with them. Interactions with them often involve commands, anger, or withdrawal from the family. They give blank or harsh stares, often avoid eye contact, and reject bids for connection. Their children end up feeling like their parent would be fine if they didn’t exist. As adults, these children often grow up believing they’re bothersome or irritating, and they find it hard to ask for what they need.

To sum up, those are the four main types of emotionally immature parents, however you may find that your parent(s) shows behaviors from all the different types. Some parents can even be a blend of types, but most parents fall into one category. With all of the types, there is one main theme: they don't show up consistently in a way that would make a child feel seen, loved, and secure. This lack of consistency and care causes a deep emotional wound within any child, and it requires intentional healing and support to heal from.

Resources: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD

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Hi, I'm Sasha! I'm a licensed therapist in Tampa, FL. As a specialized anxiety and trauma therapist, many of my clients come to therapy to process childhood trauma and/or navigate dysfunctional relationships with their parent(s). Together, we can work to untangle you from the negative beliefs holding you back, learn how to listen to your needs, set boundaries, and feel more grounded. In therapy, you can finally slow down, get the support you've always needed, and learn how to provide that same care to yourself. If you're ready to make a change, give me a call or text and let's set up your first session. I'd love to hear from you! (352) 649-3876

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